well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
