I need help removing her.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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