You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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