If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
