Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
