Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
