just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
