I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I look excited, but its just a facade.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
