Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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