So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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