i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
