i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
