The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
