I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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