I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
