my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
