If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
