New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
