apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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