dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
