I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
