There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
