So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
