I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
