Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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