he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
