drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
