I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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