Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
