Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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