Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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