Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
