Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
