I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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