nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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