My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
