I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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