Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
