Sry I called you an 8
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
