Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
