She's JV to your varsity
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
