I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
