I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
