As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
