I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
