Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
