He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
