Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
