4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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