Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
